25 and Lost
Unspoken words perhaps are my biggest secret for being such a vocal and bubbly girl. Just thinking of writing my deep thoughts and publishing it for the public to see makes me want to start a different topic. But I know deep inside, I do need to release this feeling, the feeling and thought that my life is just not what I imagined it to be.
As I remember being a kid, I will always binge watch on Taiwanese and Filipino dramas with my mom or my “yaya” after school. I always wanted to be part of something like be in the “VARSITY TEAM” but I didn’t have the courage to pursue it. Yes, I do have friends and did the regular teenage stuff so don’t get me wrong there. It’s just, I have this feeling and thought of not being good enough that always gets in my way.
Fast forward to today, being 25 with lots of youth in me, I feel like an empty canvas. I know there’s a lot of things I still need to learn and experience yet there is this emptiness I feel every day of my waking moment. With the years past, I was drifted away to nowhere. I have let life lead my way instead if me leading my life. I feel like opportunities are closing its doors on me. Feeling that my world is running in circles where there is no end point, there’s nowhere to go but the same road each day.
Being 25 and lost makes me wonder what lies ahead without me knowing what I really want to be, what I want my life to be to say the least. And today, I have found the courage to go beyond my usual and just let my feelings and thoughts run its course on me. Of course, with the help of God’s guidance and all the people that supports and loves me.
I guess I wanted to write and start this entry not for others to read but for me. For me to start writing my own life. To write all that is good and bad. To just stop wondering about the ” what if’s ” of life and just start believing to ” what I can”. To hope that someday, the emptiness will fade. And that eventually, I will be whole again. Full of life, full of youth, and full of potential.